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| Could I Be Any More Nervous? |
| 08.09.04 (12:34 pm) [edit] |
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Let's see...
First of all, school starts tomorrow, meaning I'm in high school. It's not that I'm making it a big deal it's just that it's new teachers and a new environment and everything. I don't think I could handle it.
Then, there's my Sort Of Boyfriend, that I'm going to see this Friday and I've been talking to.
This is the deal with my Sort Of Boyfriend: I don't knows if I like him. I think he's one of the nicest, if not the nicest guy I've ever met, and he's cute. The thing is, I haven't seen him since like, a month ago when I met him and kind of liked him. Supposedly he really likes me, but I'm afraid because I've never, ever had a fucking boyfriend!:oops:
So even though all this might not seem like a big deal to you, it is to me, and let me just say I'M SCARED SHITLESS.
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| Congratulations to Me! |
| 08.08.04 (6:55 pm) [edit] |
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I have achieved what no one else has achieved: I am incapable of having a conversation with Mr. Easygoing, whom I think I like. I should get a prize or something.
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| ARGH! |
| 08.08.04 (11:10 am) [edit] |
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Damn you, tBLOG! This is the second time something gets erased on me! I'm going to blog later when I'm not pissed at you anymore.
:*(
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| Uh-oh... |
| 08.05.04 (2:29 pm) [edit] |
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I don't think he likes me :cry: .
*UPDATE*
Oh, but maybe he does... hmmm
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| Summer's Almost Over |
| 08.03.04 (11:45 pm) [edit] |
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The school "book distribution (in fancy-wancy proper English)" is on Friday. Then, four days later, next Tuesday, hell begins: school.
I don't feel like reading the summer reading book. Here we have two fucking books to read: one in Spanish, and one in English. The English one's okay, but I hate the Spanish books they pick out. Someone once told me that Spanish literature was more rich than English literature, and they were right. What they didn't tell me was that Spanish literature is more adult and dull. For English we had to read "To Kill a Mockingbird," which is great, by the way, but for Spanish we have this dumb ass book about a magical place.
I love reading. I just hate to read the required books; they make me feel like a nerd.
I'm writing too much, aren't I? And it's all boring. That's the thing: either I'm whining about some shitty thing that happened to me, or I'm writing long crap about something boring.
And even when I do that, I whine. Heh, heh.
So, anyway, to sum it up, my first day of high school is in a week, and I couldn't be less excited.
Okay, maybe I could be a bit excited, it's just that... I don't know. I don't feel like going to school.
What is happening to me!?! I'm always excited for school to start!
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| The Font Thing |
| 08.03.04 (11:27 pm) [edit] |
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I like this font thing. It's weird, but I like it. Now, whenever I'm mad I'll just write in a really, really, really, big font. Or the largest font available, which is this one. I'm not mad now, though. Oh, well... Since this crap took so much space, I'm just going to start a new log thing.
Buh-bye.
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| It's happening... Again |
| 08.01.04 (11:29 pm) [edit] |
... my tantrums!!
I always get one of them when I'm talking to him
I don't think he likes me very much
Even though he used to ...
I pushed him away :cry:
I feel weird.
If he would only call me and just see what I'm really like.
His fucking MSN name is "Mr. Happiness." I don't like happy people; I find them fake. I don't like sad people, though; they're whiny, like me (not that I'm sad or anything).
Do I like him?
SHOULD I like him?
Why do I make things seem more complicated than they are?
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| Gossip... |
| 08.01.04 (11:19 pm) [edit] |
just pisses me off.
You'd think people would just keep things to themselves....
and they don't.
And then they make this huge deal out of nothing.
And tell everyone about my life.
And then they don't expect me to find out it was them...
... And then the asshole denies he ever said anything.
I wanna kill him.
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| Some people just don't shut up... |
| 08.01.04 (4:42 pm) [edit] |
.... Other people, however, just don't talk at all. And it sucks when that person that doesn't talk is someone you may or may not like.
Anyhoodles, it really pisses me off when people that have someone are like, truly happy. It's like their brain freezed and they're in complete shock.
In complete bliss.
And then they think they know everything. It's like, "Hey, Freak, do you want me to get you a boyfriend?"
[i]Wow, asshole, now that you have a girlfriend you're invincible?[/i]
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| God, Help Me... |
| 07.30.04 (6:29 pm) [edit] |
This is [i]torture[/i].
[i]Why[/i] do I talk to her on the [i]phone[/i]?
She's so fucking annoying...
This is like, my last resort.
I have to go, "Uh-huh," and "Yeah," and "Mm-hm" a lot.
I just want to scream at her, "I DON'T FUCKING CARE!"
But no, I don't want to be aloooooone :cry: . I'm such a hypocrite.
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| My Personality |
| 07.30.04 (4:54 pm) [edit] |
I feel like a dumbass. I should; I'm listening to that 'NSync :lol: song "Gone." I was never an 'NSync fan. I was convinced I hated them. However, I think I saw too many commercials of their cd "Celebrity," and I gave up and just bought it. Or maybe I was just too focused on what was cool and what would make me popular. Either way, I would never, ever do that now. It's fucked up how my personality changes. I've been the G.I. Joe playing tomboy (yes, believe it or not), the airhead that's afraid of mud and says "like" and "reality check" and "totally" and "coolie" and "whatever," the spelling bee winner (every year in elementary school, not to brag), the girl with the freaky clothes and hairdo, the un-sporty girl (still am), and now I think I'm the bitch. Oh, well, I happen to be content with myself right now. I don't think I'm going to change. I'm going to promise myself that. I wanna be how I am right now when I'm 18, 20, 50... Okay, maybe not...
I'm never convinced of anything I say! That pisses me off so badly.
Anyhoodles (that sounds so cute), today I watched "The Village," and yes, it was nicely made, but the ending sucks ass. I also went to a funeral home today to visit my mom's friend's cadaver, and I went to the orthodontist. I feel so bad for him, having to look at my teeth and everything. Gross, but someone's gotta do it...
Yep, that was my day. I'm gonna just leave now.
Buh-bye :wink:
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| I HATE MY LIFE |
| 07.29.04 (9:31 pm) [edit] |
I really do.
My parents don't let me go anywhere, and the one friend that I could always count on, well, she's a BITCH.
She fucking ditched me. She's going to stay at my other friend's house over the weekend when I fucking asked her first.
This might seem a bit pathetic, but you see, it's not. This is [i]the[/i] friend I always count on. She's staying here for the summer, and she doesn't even live here, but even through e-mails I pour my heart out to her and I count on her and tell her anything (most things, the rest I keep to myself). I even told my mom that she was better than all my friends combined.
Which is BULLSHIT, because she's a BITCH. I don't want to see her, or talk to her, or e-mail her. I am so fucking pissed.
WHY THE [i]FUCK[/i] AM I MAKING THIS SUCH A FUCKING BIG DEAL?
I NEED TO FUCKING ... RELAX.
I wanted to go out tomorrow... and now I can't :cry: . Oh, great, she's online now.
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| Death |
| 07.29.04 (8:19 pm) [edit] |
Today I had to go to the hospital with my mom and dad to see a friend of theirs that is on the verge of dying.
She has bone cancer, and she's just lying in a bed, gasping for breath quickly. And all her family's around her waiting for her to finally die so she can stop suffering.
Her eyes don't open. She can't talk anymore.
She's just lying there... with her shaved head and the oxygen mask.
It was really sad. My grandpa has cancer and if he ever got like that I would be seriously afraid of going inside the hospital room and watching the people I love crying.
I can't see anyone I look up to cry. If I do I feel hopeless. Especially my dad, if I seem him cry it means that there's truly no hope for any of us. I've never, ever seen him cry, and I don't plan on ever seeing him . It would be too weird, and I'd be too crushed. Call me selfish, but it's true. I don't want to see my grandpa die, either. Or anyone else in my family, for that matter.
I was reading Tuck Everlasting (LOL, I know it sounds pathetic, but I was bored...) and I remember how the family that lives forever kept telling Winifred that having an eternal life would suck, and that she shouldn't drink the water in the fountain. And now I keep thinking to myself: would it really suck? I'd much rather like it if everybody lived forever. It sounds stupid because we would have too many people living on earth, but still... I'm extremely afraid of death, and I certainly do not want to see anyone I know die. It sounds childish, but it's so fucking SCARY. Death. Ugh.
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| WE DON'T CLICK! |
| 07.28.04 (6:26 pm) [edit] |
WE DON'T CLICK! WE DON'T CLICK! WE DON'T CLICK! WE DON'T CLICK! WE DON'T CLICK! WE DON'T CLICK! WE DON'T CLICK !WE DON'T CLICK! WE DON'T CLICK!
ARGH! I wish I could just have a FUCKING conversation online with him, but noooooooooooo, I can't! Why? I have no fucking idea! :cry:
I shall now stick to listening to sappy/diabolical songs.
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| HE ADDED ME TO HIS MSN!! |
| 07.27.04 (7:40 pm) [edit] |
I've been sounding so boy crazy lately. I'm not [i]that [/i]boy crazy, it's just that, coicidentally, every freaking time I get online, something with a guy comes up.
This time I am fucking FREAKED OUT. He added me to his MSN, and I'm so boring. I just don't know what to tell him if he decides to IM me. Do I like him, even?
Argh.
Anyway, I felt really tall today, for some strange reason, and I decided to check my height. I'm still 5'2". SAD. :cry:
Whatever. I had to make this quick. Brother needs to use the computer.
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| DO I LIKE HIM? |
| 07.26.04 (7:05 pm) [edit] |
OR DO I NOT LIKE HIM?
He's like a brother to me.
My God! I haven't talked to him in ages and I used to tell him I hated him. He disgusted me. Is it possible for me to have feelings for him now that he has a GIRLFRIEND?
Is it?
I mean, MY GOODNESS! Ugh! Is it just that I'm JEALOUS of that girl I don't even know because there was a time he was there with me (even though we never actually did anything)?
Am I even making [i]sense[/i]?
Am I just trying to make my life more complicated? Or am I just a hobi (horny bitch)? Or am I just plain WEIRD?
AAAAAAAARGH!
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| I AM SO FUCKING ... |
| 07.25.04 (6:04 pm) [edit] |
BORED!
And pissed...
Why can't anything ever happen? Why is my mom such an overprotective FREAK?
I mean, yeah, it's okay to worry about the place your daughter's gonna go to a party to, but why are you obsessing about SHOOTINGS and DRUGS in their drinks?
... I thought she told me to think positive all the time. I don't, and now I know that she, clearly, does not, either. What is it with all that BULLSHIT?
She's all like, "It's for your own good! I'm trying to protect you," but she's not! She's just TORTURING me.
And I know for a fact that she dislikes me; just ask my dad, even [i]he[/i]'s realized it!
My goodness....
... And then there's this guy that supposedly likes me
...And I like him!
The unliked is liked for like, the first time ever, by a likable guy!
... But here's the BEST part of it all: I'm never going to see him again! Why? Because I never, [i]ever [/i]go out. Why? Because I never feel like going out! And why is that? Because I have the lowest self esteem you can imagine.
Okay, maybe not the [i]lowest[/i], but probably close to the lowest. I truly loathe myself sometimes. It's like I want to rip my flesh off my bones and just kill myself sometimes.
My bad, that sounded gory, but you get me, right?
I'm not the perfect daughter, or the perfect student, or the perfect friend. In fact, I suck as all of them. Maybe not much as a student, but then I suck at that, too, because my parents make me feel like I'm the smart one, and I just try to prove them wrong.
About the perfect friend thing: Uhh... Believe me, I don't even know why I have friends. No, I cannot lend you my shoulder for you to cry on it, and no, I don't care that you're flunking out of a certain class. Spare me, I don't care... I just don't.
Okay, I care sometimes, but most of the times I just don't ! I lose friendship necklaces, and I correct my friends in everything! When they're singing a song, when they're writing an essay, when they're talking...! I'm sorry if I can't help it. I just suck as a friend. I truly do, ask any of my so-called friends.
Aaaaaaaargh. None of this goes together, does it? My bad, please take into consideration that I'm only a smart ass fourteen-year-old and that I'm an airhead.
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| He Called... |
| 07.25.04 (1:48 pm) [edit] |
...and it was HORRIBLE!
I mean, yeah, it's clear to me that we're just going to be friends, but I hadn't talked to him for a month, and when he comes back I can't hear him because of the static.
And all he talked about was sports! I HATE sports. I know nothing about sports; I suck at them. I'd rather just stay home and read. Or do nothing, but not SPORTS.
I'm the most un-sporty girl you'll ever meet. You do [i]not[/i] talk about sports with an un-sporty girl.
You also do NOT say you're sad to leave your camp because you wish you were there right now. Technically, that is sending the un-sporty girl to hell.
And eight minutes after you started talking to her, after she says, "I can't hear you" for the fifteenth time, you don't just say "Fine, BYE" meanly!
And it's not like he hung up after I said bye. He stayed there like a moron waiting for something. [i]I[/i] had to hang up on him.
Jeez! I don't know HOW I should feel...
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| Yesterday |
| 07.23.04 (9:53 am) [edit] |
[i]She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly...[/i]
I can't keep that song out of my head...
Yesterday I went to the movies with my friends, and The Saint came along with me.
We watched [i]The Notebook[/i]. I have to admit: a couple of tears [i]did[/i] come out of my eyes. Yes, you read right: I, the insensitive bitch, CRIED during a movie, in front of everyone. I never cry. Well, actually, I cry a lot, but I don't let anyone know it. I can't cry in front of someone, it's just... [i]weird[/i].
The movie was a lot sadder than the book, even if it seemed like it was a bit too much. It was very romatic :oops: .
So, yeah, that was yesterday... It was actually pretty fun (yes, I had FUN, for like, the first time ever)!
Ha ha, I feel like a perky ass bitch now; all I need are the pom-poms.
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| Summer School?! |
| 07.22.04 (9:24 am) [edit] |
Woohoo... the last two weeks of my summer vacation are here, guess what that means!
...SUMMER SCHOOL!(?):shock:
Greeeaat. I have this appointment tomorrow at this so-called "learning center" so I can take some diagnostic test in geometry, so they can see what trouble I'm having and can torture me with geometry problems for the next two weeks.
It's probably going to help me, but I'd much rather just stay home and sunbathe with The Saint, even if it means talking to her...
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| Ever Gotten That Feeling...? |
| 07.21.04 (2:09 pm) [edit] |
Have you ever wanted to tell someone something that you were very enthusiastic about, only to be sent to hell by that person because they say they don't fucking care? And then your eyes just get teary because you feel like shit because what you were saying was very important to you? And the other person doesn't GIVE A SHIT that they made you feel bad?
Yep, I've felt it. In fact, I feel like that right now.
Jeez :? .
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| I Hate My Life |
| 07.21.04 (12:49 pm) [edit] |
Not really, but it seems as though it sucks right now.
I seriously hate being the middle child. I seriously hate my little sister, The Saint.
Most people would say I'm jealous of The Saint, but I'm not. You see, I seriously [i]am[/i] treated worse than her.
Yes, I am. My mom says that's not true, and I can't ever defend myself once she's pissed at me because she has this problem: she can't have an "argument" with anyone without screaming her head off.
And if I want to defend myself in one of our arguments, I have to speak, which would cause her to scream even higher (if that's even possible).
And I just couldn't deal with that. Oh, no... you do [i]not[/i] want to be there when my mom screams.
Argh! She tells me that I always make myself a martyr. And I don't. She tells me that I am a bitter person (so what if I am?); I "hurt" The Saint's feelings and am seriously destroying her self-esteem.
Yeah, right, like [i]The Saint [/i]needs a self-esteem boost.
Not that she's cocky, it's just that she has people calling her 24/7.
What she needs is some summer school; she's not exactly the brightest tool in the shed, if you know what I mean...
Heh, heh, I'm so cruel.:twisted:
Aaaaah. I have a headache :( . I wanna go to sleep and it's only 5.
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